soundtrack: lonely world by the vaccines
georgia francis for more than words r.p.
"Babe, you did great tonight, honestly, you're amazing," Andrew said as he sat behind me, his hands gently massaging my shoulders as I rested next to him. Untangling myself from the sheets I could feel my hair slightly brushing against the back of my neck. I knew I needed to shower but I didn't feel up to it. I didn't feel up to anything, not singing, not eating. I didn't want to do a single thing.
I wanted for it or whatever this damn thing is to stop. I wanted it to disappear, for one morning for me to wake up feeling like a normal human being. All I wished was that I could prevent myself from falling into the hole that I knew I was so close to falling into, but I couldn't pick myself up.
"You don't need to compliment me," I said to him, trying to get him to stop after having to hear him reassure me over and over again.
"I only want you to feel the way you should," His hand grasped my arm, I pulled it away as my fingers slipped through his. "Ash told me that you don't think the bands going to get signed, you're insecure and you're worried but everything is going to be fine, I can promise you."
He stayed in bed as I pushed myself away, Andrew only continuing to ramble on, it began to be quite obvious that he'd taken what I said as an insult rather than a simple request.
"Please," I asked once more, quickly scrambling out of the room as I could feel my eyes swelling with tears for the tenth time today. Walking out of the room, I grabbed a shirt off the ground, putting it on as I made sure not to turn towards him, my eyes turning bloodshot as I held back every unexplainable emotion.
"Babe!" He called out, following after me as I grabbed a pack of cigarettes off the kitchen counter. Pushing open the living room window as I crawled underneath the small opening. Sitting on the outside balcony I could see him walk through the living room, my skin pressed against the concrete as the shirt covered nothing past my hips.
The tears had fluttered away, probably hiding themselves behind my eyes for later. When they'll come I'll have to hide again, in the bathroom or under a blanket. I've found that they like to visit quite often, whenever someone tries to comfort me or discovers that I've been acting strange they appear, creeping around from the corner until they make their way down my cheeks. My face turns red, my eyes appear as glazed over as a marble and I choke until they disappear though they'll never really gone. They're only waiting for the next time.
"I want to talk to you, please let me," Andrew discovered my hiding spot, pushing the window open wider so he could fit though. He looked up at me, I tried to respond but I couldn't find the words to use. I took the last drag, lighting another as I still didn't feel like moving.
"Can you just tell me what it is that's going on?" Andrew asked, sitting on the window sill as he watched me in what seemed like pure curiosity.
"I don't know, I'm just sad," I looked at him, his cute face nearly looking as sad as mine probably did.
"Why?" He moved over towards me, sitting next to me as he blinked his stare into a glance. Kissing my forehead as if that would have a lasting effect on my emotions but it didn't help.
"I don't know anymore," I said without looking at him although I could still feel his stare as he examined me. His eyes searching for what his lips should say but there weren't any words he could speak that would fix me.
"I don't want you to think this has anything to do with you because it doesn't. I'm happy you're back," I let him know as he remained quiet. I could tell he wanted to say something but he didn't know what it was he should say. I knew that he was wondering if it was him that was causing my sadness, it was natural to be curious.
"But baby you just told me that you're sad," Andrew touched my hand, trying to get something out of me but I didn't know what it was he wanted.
"I am sad but at the same time I'm still happy you're here, I guess that doesn't make sense but I mean it," I shook my head, rubbing what was left of my cigarette against the concrete. I tried to think of everything that I've been through that might make a person sad. "I just.. I don't think I have a real reason to be sad, there's nothing that I'm hiding from you."
"Maybe there isn't any definite experience that's made you feel this way but you're going through a lot, I know it doesn't seem like it sometimes but you are. I mean you're still young." Andrew snickered, trying to remind me that it was only less than a year ago that I'd gotten my high school diploma. "Most people your age, they're in college, completely focused on their studies but you're doing something different, you're doing it now and not four years from now and that takes a huge leap of faith. I wasn't like you, sh-t, the last thing I wanted to do when I was eighteen was to try and figure things out right away, that was what scared me the most."
I looked at him, pushing away all the things he didn't know, the things that made me push him away. Forcing myself to forget everything else, I look at him, realizing that its possible for someone to understand me. Someone here, on the same planet, in the same country, the same city, spoke the same language as me and knew how to make me feel better. Something the child sitting alone at lunch never knew was humanly possible, something the teenage girl sitting in her bedroom could never comprehend.
I smiled, not feeling like using my words mostly because I didn't feel like I had to. We didn't have to waste words just to fill the empty silence. He could look at me and with that look, I would know what he meant and he means well, he always means well.
"I really love you Georgia, I think you know that, I mean I hope you do," Andrew bent his head down, his lips touching mine before leaning away.
"Of course I know that, I love you and everyday you were gone I missed you, a lot. You've become a vital part of my day, even just seeing you makes me feel better, you should know that," I said truthfully, I was confused, half of the time I didn't even know what I was feeling. I know that what I spoke was true even if it came from the mouth of an emotionally confused, indecisive mess. I knew that those parts were true and I was still figuring the rest out.